


The Titan Kiss

by Thenerdintheattic



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Armoured Titan - Freeform, Blow Jobs, Comfort Sex, Established Relationship, LIKE A LOT OF ANGST, M/M, Reibert - Freeform, Split personnality, colossal titan
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-02
Updated: 2018-07-02
Packaged: 2019-05-31 18:59:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15125855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thenerdintheattic/pseuds/Thenerdintheattic
Summary: The night before the attack on Trost, Bertholdt breaks down and Reiner is too busy being someone else to help.A two-shot about Reiner and Bert's relationship, how they make their way through their guilt and how it affects their feelings for each other. And in the middle of this mess, there's the Titan Kiss.





	The Titan Kiss

**Author's Note:**

> So, I got myself slightly obsessed with Reibert lately and as I had a lot of feelings about my titan boys, I had to write something to ease the pain.  
> This should be a two-shot but I might also add more chapters later, if I have any ideas coming into my mind.  
> Enjoy!

“Tomorrow then.” Annie’s voice was cold, inflexible.

Bertholdt wondered how she could remain so calm in a moment like that, especially when he was finding it hard to keep his cool. He wasn’t sure whether he ought to admire her detachment or despise it, though. How could she be so heartless? He never had a chance to ask : she was already gone.

They had found the storage room the first month into training. It had been locked, and Bertholdt had started to think that the key had been lost, considering the mess lying in the dust in there. Reiner had picked the lock and the two boys had started using it to meet up at night and get some privacy (not so easy in a dormitory full of other cadets) until Bertholdt had suggested that they could use it for their meetings with Annie as well. It was small and dirty but it was theirs and Bertholdt had began to associate comfort with the place. As far as they knew, no one was even aware of its existence, and from the next day, it wouldn’t matter anymore.

Reiner was about to go out after Annie. He expected his friend to follow, as usual – feeling Bert’s presence behind him had become a part of himself and he would feel amputated without it. But instead, he heard heavy breathing. He turned to find Berthold shaking in the middle of the small room, eyes open wide with terror and jaw clenched. It didn’t take Reiner more than one step to be near him.

“What’s wrong?”

“I can’t do it, Reiner. I can’t. I … just … no.”

Bertholdt began to sob uncontrollably and without Reiner’s grasp on his arm, he probably would have fallen to his knees.

“Come on, Bert. It’s not the moment to give up. Training is over, we’ve made it to the top ten and tomorrow we’ll join the Military Police. We’ll finally be free. We should celebrate, not cry.”

Bertholdt blinked slowly, his heart crushed by his friend’s clueless expression.

 _No. Not now_.

He freed his arm from Reiner’s grip. He couldn’t deal with that now, hell! he couldn’t even deal with himself. And how was he supposed to do it anyway? Breaching the wall had been so much easier five years before. He’d been a kid then, he hadn’t known any of the people he’d killed, directly or not. But he wasn’t a child anymore. How was he supposed to carry on with the mission when he knew that it would cause the deaths of the people he’d come to consider his friends over the last three years? Reiner had no right to lose it now.

“Remember the mission.” Three words he shouldn’t have had to say. “Please.”

“What mission?”

Bertholdt closed his eyes. He felt so tired, he just wanted to let himself fall on the floor and crawl there and sleep forever. He didn’t want to be the colossal titan anymore, he just wanted to be Bertholdt, cadet of the 104th. Was that too much to ask?

He sighed, wishing he’d never come to this place. He could have stayed home with Reiner and Annie and Marcel and just be at peace with himself. It was so easy to let go : forget this hell they had made for themselves, forget it was the real world and simply live in the dreams of his past. But he didn’t even have this luxury anymore, not when Reiner was clearly losing his marbles. He forced himself to open his eyes again. Reiner was staring at him with this stupid expression that Bertholdt had come to hate. He took a step backwards, raised his hand, and slapped his friend on the cheek. He had the time to see Reiner’s shocked expression before his head turned 40° to the left.

“For goodness sake, Reiner. I need you!”

He raised his hand to hit him one more time but before his blow fell, Reiner caught his wrist. His face didn’t show surprise anymore, only anger and … what? despair? Bertholdt didn’t have the time to linger on that : his friend’s grip was strong, too strong, and if he didn’t stop…. Bertholdt moaned in pain as he felt his bone break and, as Reiner was finally releasing him, he let his arm rest against his chest.

“Bert, why are you slapping me?”

Bertholdt began to sob again. The pain was nothing, he had had worse, besides it would heal in no time, but his nerves couldn’t take any more of it. He let Reiner embrace him, too weak to keep fighting him.

“I need you.”

“I’m here.”

He took a long, deep breath and closed his arms around Reiner’s shoulders. That’s all he wanted to hear, nothing more. He needed his friend with him, he needed to have someone to talk to, he needed to have someone to tell him he was going to be ok. He cried for a long time until he finally regained his composure. With regrets, he separated from his friend and observed him carefully. Reiner was back with him, he didn’t have this idiot look on his face anymore. He was again the warrior Bertholdt admired so much. Reiner took his wrist in his hand with tenderness, a movement diametrically opposed to the violence he had demonstrated only minutes before.

“It’s broken.”

“It’ll heal.”

Reiner brought the bruised wrist to his mouth and kissed it.

“I’m sorry.”

Bertholdt bit his lips. The kiss had brought shivers down his spine, a feeling he hadn’t had in a very long time. When was the last time Reiner had been so affectionate with him? He put his hand on his friend’s cheek and brushed it gently. They used to be so close, why was it so difficult for him to reach Reiner now? Bertholdt had given this question a lot of thought as he’d been watching his friend become more and more of a soldier and less and less of a warrior. Maybe they had simply fallen out of love. Was it even possible? No, he didn’t think so. He did love Reiner, as strongly as the first day, he would die for him. He would kill for him. It was one of the few things he was still quite positive about. But then what had changed?

Bertholdt moved closer, his lips almost touching Reiner’s. He waited. He looked at his friend’s face : it wasn’t different. Not on the outside, anyway. His eyes caught Reiner’s. He put his mouth on his and the blond kissed him back. They fell into each other’s arms and tasted each other’s lips until they both fell the need to pull out. But they didn’t move apart. They rested their forehead against each other’s, like they used to do a long time ago. It brought a smile on Bertholdt’s face.

As far as he could remember, he had always loved Reiner. First as a friend, then as a brother. The romantic love had come later, just before they had joined the military. As kids, they had found their own way to show their affection for one another. Putting their forehead against each other’s meant _I’m here for you_ , _I’ve got you_ , _I love you_ , all those emotions they had been too young to understand. Even in their titan form, Bertholdt had kept the habit of kneeling in front of Reiner and lowering his head until their foreheads touched. The others back home would tease them ( _How can such powerful warriors look so delicate?_ ) but they didn’t care.

“Do you remember our titan kiss?”

Reiner’s eyes brightened. Of course he hadn’t forgotten.

“You came with that stupid name.” Reiner answered.

Even after their relationship had evolved into what it was now, Bertholdt had kept his habit of asking for a titan kiss every time he was feeling blue.

“What happened to us, Reiner?”

Reiner closed his eyes. Bertholdt looked at him and noticed that his facial features looked tired and for a moment, he could see him for what he truly was : a scared boy that had been forced to grow up too fast, a scared boy that had been given too many responsibilities, a scared boy that just wanted to go home.

“I don’t know.” His voice was coarse. “But I have the feeling that you’re getting away from me and there’s nothing I can do to keep you close.”

Bertholdt frowned. He wasn’t the one going away. He wasn’t the one pretending to be a completely different person. He wasn’t the one claiming out and loud that he wanted to marry Christa.

“I’m not getting away.”

Reiner stepped backwards. Bertholdt wanted to beg him to come back, not to break the titan kiss, because without it he felt like he was about to collapse again. He didn’t say anything, though. He was tired of being weak. Reiner and Annie were the real badasses, he was just tagging along most of the time, following their lead. But it had to change, he had to be the strong one, now that Reiner was losing it.

“The hell you aren’t! Every time I want to get close to you, I want to talk with you, I want to get intimate with you, you just push me away, Bert. I understand that you want to keep everyone else at bay, but … why me?”

Bertholdt looked down. If he had indeed been pushing Reiner away, he hadn’t noticed.

“I’m sorry that you feel this way. I guess … I haven’t realised what I was doing. But if I have …” he bit his lip. “It’s because I just need to protect myself, right now.” His voice was low. He hadn’t wished to say that out loud but he had realised, as the words were coming out his mouth, that it was the truth. He could remember all those moments when Reiner had tried to kiss him, had tried to lure him into this closet and how he had refused, crippled by the fear that the real Reiner might disappear any moment, leaving him all alone one more time. They had grown apart, out of fear and out of madness, both of them carrying a cross too heavy to leave them any strength to care about the other. That was sad and hurtful, but it was the truth, and once more, Bertholdt had to carry its weight alone.

“Why do you need to protect yourself from me?”

_Because you’re going nuts and it hurts me in ways that you cannot imagine. Because one moment, you’re this guy I love with all my heart and the next, you don’t even remember that you love me, and it had to be worst than dying because at least, when I’ll die, I might still find some peace._

He was dying to spit it out, yet he couldn’t bring himself to it. He couldn’t bear to hurt Reiner. Yet, he had to say something or his friend would get suspicious and Bertholdt wasn’t sure he could keep his secret if he became insistent.

“You fancy Christa.”

It was silly, but it was the first thing that came to his mind. He’d rather pass as a jealous bastard than show his true feelings.

Reiner’s laugh surprised him. It wasn’t merry though, it was dry and a bit strangled.

“I don’t! And you can talk. You’re into Annie.”

Bertholdt opened his eyes wide as he shook his head. He had never fancied Annie. He did love her, though, but the affection he was feeling for her was completely different from the love he had for Reiner. Annie was a friend, as much as anyone could be friend with her, and he considered her more like a sister. After all, besides Reiner (who wasn’t remembering who he was half of the time), she was the only one who could relate to his struggle. He might have looked more intensely at her lately, maybe he’d wished to be able to talk with her but it had nothing to do with romance. He couldn’t be blamed for craving support and attention and a friendly shoulder. But it didn’t matter anyway. He’d never gotten closer to Annie and he was losing Reiner.

“You really have so little faith in me? You really think that I could just walk away from you? With Annie, no less. You’ve got to be kidding me.”

Reiner looked lost as if he couldn’t comprehend what his friend was saying and Bertholdt understood at this moment what it was all about. When Reiner was becoming this other guy, the one that was friendly with everyone, the one that needed to fit so badly that he had invented himself a crush on a girl, it was easier to forget his guilt by imagining that Bertholdt was into Annie. The Reiner that loved Bertholdt was a warrior, the guy he couldn’t stand to be at the moment, so when he was becoming the soldier, he couldn’t love his friend anymore, not in this way. His brain had processed the guilt by creating crushes on girls. Maybe he even thought that they could exchange tips on how to get them. It was pathetic, so much that Bertholdt started to laugh hysterically. He hid his face on Reiner’s shoulder, his body shaken by sobs of laughter, his cheeks wet with tears. He couldn’t even tell if he was crying or laughing anymore. Probably a bit of both. Reiner caressed his back and the up and down movement finished by calming him down.

“I love you Bert.”

_You only love me half of the time, though._

He kept this thought at the back of his mind. He stood up and wiped his eyes. This situation couldn’t last. If nothing was done, they would both go completely crazy and start to make mistakes. But Bertholdt was but one man and he had no idea of what could be done. Confront Reiner about his split personality? What good would it do? At best, nothing. At worse, Reiner would be gone for good. He couldn’t allow that. And what about himself? He could barely stand looking at himself in the mirror. He had terrible nightmares. The worry and the stress were making him sick to his stomach. But in the storm that was his life, there were silver linings like this one, when Reiner was completely his again and he wasn’t alone anymore. He had to hold on to this. He smiled softly.

“I love you too.”

Reiner kissed him and Bertholdt let him do passively.

What would happen after the next day? He knew that Reiner would manage his guilt by killing as much titans as he could. He might even be able to convince himself that he didn’t have anything to do with any of this. After all, Bertholdt would be the only one to act, the only one responsible for all the deaths that would follow and the only one to have this guilt eating him up from the inside as he was witness to countless shattered lives.

Reiner’s kiss became more insistent as his hands wandered on Bert’s hips.

He couldn’t do it. Not this time. He might well try and keep the mission in mind, he couldn’t chase the faces of his friends from his mind. Who would die? Thomas? Hannah? Franz? Marco? All of them?

Reiner pressed himself against his body and began to kiss him in the neck.

He could see all of their faces, eyes wide open, and their dismembered bodies. He could smell the odour of blood in the air and hear the cries of the survivors. He pulled back. He couldn’t stand Reiner touching him. He couldn’t stand the love he was receiving when he was such a monster.

“Don’t push me away.”

“I can’t.” Bertholdt sat on the floor, brought his knees under his chin and took his head in his hands. He felt Reiner kneel beside him and force him to look up.

“Talk to me, Bert. What’s wrong?”

He swallowed with difficulty. His throat was sore, he felt heavy and hot – hotter than usual. He shook his head, stubbornly.

“I don’t think I can carry on with the mission tomorrow.”

Reiner’s silence was eloquent. He tilted his head down.

“I can’t watch any of them die because of me.” He continued. “They’re my friends too.”

Reiner chuckled but his facial expression was breaking down.

“Yeah. No one told us they would be so … you know …”

Friendly? Kind? Similar to us?  
Humans were supposed to be the monsters, no one had prepared them for the biting possibility that they might be the real monsters there. Bertholdt shook his head. He wasn’t allowed to think like that.

“Look, we’ll do what we have to do.” Reiner carried on. “And when we have, we’ll go home and it’ll be you and me again, just like before.”

That was tempting. He was conscious that he would only be fooling himself agreeing with this thought. Nothing would ever be the same again, not when guilt and shame and dread would be destroying them. And yet, he surprised himself by smiling faintly, dreaming about a future that would never happen.

“Yes. We’ll go home.”

“Just think about that tomorrow. You know - home, that stupid titan kiss, playing in the grass back in our village. Do you remember that, Bert? It was all itchy but it smelled awesome. And remember that time you got stung by a bug? Your ass turned all red and you couldn’t sit for a week.”

Bertholdt burst out of laughter. He hadn’t thought about that in ages but he could still recall the piercing pain and Reiner rolling in the grass with laughter.

“Such a glorious moment.”

He smiled at Reiner and they hugged. Bertholdt would never feel ok about what he was about to do, there was no fooling himself, but the pain could be eased and his friend always knew how to cheer him up. Reiner had always protected him.

“Thanks.”

Reiner smirked and kissed him on the neck.

“You know, I know something else that could help you relax.”

Bertholdt raised an eyebrow, amused. Reiner had never been very subtle when it came to flirting but he was tempted by the offer nonetheless. After all, it had always helped him sleep and he would need to be all rested for the upcoming day. Besides, he felt more at peace with Reiner, their talk had allowed them to reconnect with each other, for one evening at least. He tilted his head a little to allow his friend to kiss him there again.

“Oh yeah? Does it involve a shoulder massage?”

“Better than … a massage.” Reiner replied between two kisses. “Way better.”

Bertholdt put his two hands on his friend’s cheeks and made him kiss him on the lips. They remained in this position for a while, Reiner trying to kiss away his friend’s guilt, and when he decided that Bertholdt’s mind was all focused on him, he grabbed him under the shoulder and lifted him as he got back to his feet, Bert’s long legs wrapped around his waist. Bertholdt was not a light guy and a normal man wouldn’t have been able to carry him like that, but being the armoured titan had its perks. Reiner was freakishly strong, Bert’s broken wrist was a testimony of that. Even if he had had to hide his inhuman ability for the last three years, it could still prove useful. Reiner didn’t have to carry him far anyway, the storage room was small enough. He reached a table where random stuff were stored : part of an 3D manoeuvre gear, a lonely boot, an empty bottle and other unidentified items. Most of it fell when Reiner sat him there. For a second, Bertholdt worried that someone might have heard that but Reiner started kissing him again and he forgot about it.

“You’re so hot.” Reiner noticed as he was removing his shirt. “More than usual.”

“Is it too much?”

Reiner smirked. He was probably the only one able to withstand his friend’s body temperature when he was a titan. It probably had to do with the armour, protecting him from the heat. Bertholdt’s human body was not as warm but it was still hotter than normal human bodies. Luckily, it wasn’t usually noticeable and as far as they knew no one had ever noticed, although that time in the snowy mountains, when everyone had made it back almost frozen, Bertholdt had barely felt the freezing temperature and had had to pretend to be at least as cold as they were. His ability came in handy during cold winter nights, Reiner could use his friend as his personal blanket, but it was more of a problem during the summer and Reiner had gotten into the habit of making sure that his friend always had fresh water and stayed away from the sun.

“No, it’s fine. Am I too sexy for you or what?”

Bertholdt smiled. He wasn’t usually that hot, even when they were having sex, but he could guess that his current emotional state was somehow linked to his increased body temperature. He didn’t reply and spread his legs open so Reiner could take place between them. They kissed again, more softly this time and Bertholdt took the time to look at him, realising how long it’d been since they’d been so close. He’d forgotten how Reiner looked when he was focused on kissing him, how he smelled right before sex, how he sounded when he was moaning expectantly, how his lips tasted and how his body felt as his desire was rising up. He’d forgotten how handsome he looked and why he’d fallen in love with him in the first place. In this moment, he could believe that they would make it back home and everything would be the way it’d been before. They would be able to fool around in the grass again and build a home for themselves, with their titan abilities, it wouldn’t be too difficult. They would spend the rest of their lives together. For a moment, he could believe it all. He lived the dream in his mind, growing old beside him and dying with him, old and happy. Finally.

Reiner’s lips abandoned his mouth. His hands slid down his friend’s back until they reached his belt, that he removed. With Bertholdt’s help, he brought his trousers and pants down to his ankles and kneeled down. Bertholdt put his legs on Reiner’s shoulders. Before he took him in his mouth, Reiner looked up at his friend and grinned. Bertholdt relaxed when the mouth closed around him. He grabbed Reiner’s hair and started to stroke it to the rhythm of his friend’s up and down movements. He felt his body tense up as his desire was growing between his legs. Soon, he had to open his mouth to breathe. His heart was pounding in his chest, the wood of the table was scratching his bottom as his hips were moving. It was rough, and he would probably regret it later, but at this moment, he made him feel more alive than he’d felt in a long time.

He moaned Reiner’s name. His head fell backwards. He could feel that he was getting closer and his hands left his friend’s hair to grab the table. He had the impression he was falling, from the table as well as from reality. It was all so easier there. He took Reiner’s hand and put it on his thigh, then made him scratch his skin. The pain was real, it was tangible, it was nice. What Reiner and he had was all that too. It wasn’t just pleasure, it wasn’t just falling down with each other, escaping the real world. It was true. Bertholdt bent forward when the first wave of orgasm hit him. He squeezed Reiner’s hand in his. As Reiner’s lips was going up and down faster and faster, he felt his body relaxed suddenly as a wave of pleasure was washing other him. He felt himself fall forward but his friend’s hand on his chest hold him back strongly.

“You stay with me.”

Reiner got up to his feet. Bertholdt put his head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat, and closed his eyes. They remained in this position for a long time and at some point, Reiner started to think that he had fallen asleep. He stroked his hair gently.

“Bert?”

An unidentified sound responded, proving that Bertholdt was indeed awake. He looked up at him, his face more relaxed than Reiner had seen it in a long time.

“How do you feel?”

“Alive.”

Reiner moved closer and put his forehead against his friend’s. Everything was silent around them, they could hear the other breathing in a low, relaxed way.

“I’ll always be there for you.”

Bertholdt smiled sadly. At another time, he wouldn’t have believed it but at this moment, he knew that Reiner was telling the truth. He jumped from the table and proceeded to put on his trousers again.

“I know.”

Bertholdt felt more alive that he had in the last few months because for the first time in ages, he could believe again that their reality was the right one.

 

 

 

After having checked one more time that the cost was clear on both sides of the wall, Bertholdt jumped down wall Rose. With his 3D manoeuvre gear, he arrived in titan territory and brought his hand close to his mouth. He wanted to get done with it at once but he had to wait. There were no titans around yet. But it wouldn’t be long, he could already make out a couple of them in the distance. He decided to wait two minutes, to allow them to get closer. But two minutes, when you’re about to make something so terrible, is a long time. He tried to keep his mind focused on the mission. Break the goddamn wall and get the hell out of here. But he couldn’t help thinking about his friends.

What were they doing? Chatting about which career path they would choose? It seemed so insignificant to him, and yet only days ago he’d had the same petty worries. He’d been one of them. Of course, Annie’s, Reiner’s and his destinies were already decided for them. It would be the MP.

He looked up. The titans were not close enough yet. He had to think about something else. His resolution was not strong enough and he knew he would break at the least opportunity.

What about Reiner? Their regained closeness the night before soothed him a bit. He didn’t know if it was an isolated event or if their relationship would become again what it had been before. He had to believe in it. He had to believe in Reiner and himself. He had to believe in his dream. It was still possible, they were not completely lost yet.

It was time. He opened his mouth. And couldn’t proceed to bite it. He started to shake helplessly. He’d waited too long. He’d allowed himself to doubt. He needed to get a grip over himself, it was essential. He closed his eyes and took deep breaths. He had to find the peace he’d reached the evening before, he had to get to that happy place again. What had Reiner said?

_“I’ll always be there for you.”_

He smiled faintly. He could see his friend standing in front of him, with his smug attitude.

“Come on Bert. Another kick in this stupid wall of theirs, it’s another step towards home.”

Reiner came closer to him and put his forehead against his. Bertholdt could almost feel the contact of his skin on his own. That was his happy place – the titan kiss.

He opened his eyes.

“Yep. One step closer.”

Bertholdt bit his hand.

**Author's Note:**

> So I have these headcanons that they retain some of their titans' abilities even when they're humans : Reiner's strength (I think this one is canon, the guy lifted a bloody titan to toss him through the window) and Bert's heat. I don't know if that makes sense but whatever. 
> 
> Next chapter isn't written yet, I probably won't have the time this week but I'll start working on it as soon as I can, promise.


End file.
